"Because I said so"

“God please heal this broken heart.”

That’s all I wanted.  It had been a couple months since I first admitted to a friend what had happened to me, and I went back and forth from wanting to deny it, avoid it, or lay in bed all day because I just couldn’t take the pain anymore.  I was angry, and confused.  I wanted someone to blame, and was frustrated every time someone complained about something little like the weather.

I knew the weekend retreat with my college group would be the perfect place for God to work on me.  There was plenty of free time, and I would have people to back me up if I got too upset.  We would be secluded out in a beautiful area, with miles and miles of land belonging to the church so we could move around. 

Friday night was when it all started.  God slowly started to clean up the mess that had been left behind.  I started praying,

“God, why did you let this happen to me?  What did I do?”

“You are not to blame child,” was God’s only response at first.

“Please God, I have to know why this happened.”  I was crying, and all I could feel was the knife in my heart.  I wanted it to go away, but I still couldn’t even confess what had happened without putting up an emotional block. 

Later, as I was praying with a friend my answer came through her prayers. 

“God help us to accept that sometimes your answer is ‘because I said so.  Trust me.’  Help us to trust that you give us that as our answer because the more would be too painful for us.  You desire only good for us, and want to give us the desires of our hearts.  God change our hearts if you cannot give us our desires.” 

Val’s words struck a chord.  Was it really possible that God’s only answer for me right now was “Because I said so.”  When I think about it, there were multiple times that my mom or dad’s answer would be just that.  They didn’t owe us an explanation, but they were usually right.  God is our daddy, and redeemer.  He is also creator of all the universe, and plans each thing out for good (Jeremiah 29:11) 

I really do hate hearing “Because I said so.”  In fact I sat here and wrestled with it all day long.  I know that I don’t really want to know why.  I know that they why won’t bring me any more healing, or make this situation any easier to bear.  The reason it bugs me so much is that I feel out of control, but I don’t have the control to begin with. 

We have been called to walk in faith.  It isn’t easy, but we can accept a “because I said so” because God will always work things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28), He will never leave you nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6), even through the rivers and fire (Isaiah 43:2). 

God loves us, and while it may seem like a harsh answer, God knows what we can and cannot take.  He know what is best for us, and that usually means not telling us the future, and not always giving us an explanation.  I realized as hard as it is to accept, I don’t really want to know why I went through that.  I only want to lean on the fact that God can and will heal my heart.