Bearing the Weight of Someone Else's Sin

      "He himself bore our sins" in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; "by his wounds you have been healed."  1 Peter 2:24

     On February 13, 2013 I was attacked by two guys and raped.  Every day since, this has haunted me, but a couple months ago I decided to finally start seeking some help.  I finally decided I truly wanted to move past all of this.  
     But wow has it been a battle.  Every day I find myself battling with shame, pain, disgrace, helplessness, and anger.  I have so many questions, and so few answers.  And I'm sure if you asked God he would tell you that I through so many spiritual tantrums over what happened to me.  
     
     One question in particular though, I wanted to share with you.  You see, I find myself asking a lot "God, why do I have to deal with THEIR sin?"  This is usually followed by a statement similar to "It's not fair!"  And as I sat there in a bathroom last night crying my heart out, those words slipped out again.  But I also realized something else. 
     It wasn't fair.  It isn't fair at all that I have to deal with the weight of someone else's sin.  That I should have to work through the healing process because of a choice they made, and I wanted no part of.  But then I wonder, how fair was it that Jesus had to go to the cross and die for all of our sins?  That He took on the weight of the world and literally died, going to the pits of hell before rising again, so that we did not have to pay a price we should have to pay (death).  You see, the only difference between Him and me when it comes to bearing sin that is not your own, is that He did it willingly.  He willingly handed His life over.  Willingly allowed mere humans, his very own creation, to mock him, curse him, torture him, and ultimately kill him in the most painful, humiliating way.  All so that we didn't have to bear the price of our sins.  And then I realized that I have been quite selfish. 
     Now I'm not saying that this makes what happened okay.  Jesus' crucifixion was not okay, even though God allowed it, and my sexual assault wasn't okay, even though God allowed it.  But God truly can work things for HIS glory.  Satan figured He had ultimately defeated God by killing Christ, that is until Christ rose from the dead.  
     So maybe you have a situation where you are feeling defeated.  You see no redemption for the weight of sin, either your own or someone else's.  Maybe Satan thinks he has won.  But hold your head up high and fight, because you will rise again.  God is already on your side, and He already has a plan in all of this too.  
     
     Sidenote, I am not even close to living all of this out.  God calls us to a higher place.  A place we cannot reach on our own.  He also knows we are humans and will fail, but we must continually strive to finish the race strong.  To recieve the crown of righteousness by following Christ.
    

"but [Jesus] made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. 9 Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, 10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth,"
Philippians 2:6-10

Waiting

"It was common in the Bible for people to wait 40 days or even 40+years for the plans God had shown them to actually work out.  These days we can hardly last 40hrs." 

     My pastor said this last night during his sermon and it really caught my attention.  Just like he had mentioned, I tend to get glimpses of what God's plans are for my life, but the road to get there is never what I expected it to be.  I get frustrated and just want to give up whenever things aren't going fast enough, are not pleasant, or I just don't see the logic behind certain things.  And it got me thinking.  How many times do we end up passing up the blessings God is willing to give us because we aren't willing to trust Him and go the road that He has provided for us?  How often to do we let our feelings control our actions? 
     In reality, we are called to something much higher then this world.  We are to be like Christ as much as we can, and when we do not walk the road that God has paved for us, we are not setting the example of Christ.  The thing we have to remember though is that God is gracious enough to let us go that other way, to go against what He has planned for us.  He doesn't force us to do anything.  But the whole time He will be calling you back, drawing you in with chords of love.  And when you turn to Him you will see, that it is only then you are free. 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall make your paths straight.  

Broken Pieces

So the one thing I rarely do is share my extra writing I do on the side.  However, I wanted to share this poem anyway :)

I call out to you Lord,

Where have you been?

My soul is broken and I can’t find any of the pieces.

People have told me that I am worthless,

They have shown me that they don’t care,

I have been treated like an object,

Were You even there?

I sit here crying,

God, I can’t find peace.

I’m hurt beyond words,

Yet, You say “Come to Me.”

God, I want to know You better.

There has to be a way to understand,

That everything I went through,

You have greater plans.

So I call out saying,

“God fix this broken mess.”

I know You are Sovereign,

I know You promise so much more than this,

So I will choose to say “Yes.”

Even when things go amiss.

I don’t know where I’m going,

I cannot see what tomorrow brings.

But I know You are faithful,

So I will choose to sing.

God, I don’t have all the pieces,

Teach me to look inside.

To see what is broken,

And all that Satan tried to hide.

Teach me to let go,

And let You catch me if I fall.

I know in my strength I fail,

But in Yours I stand tall.

I love You God,

Please hold me close.

Teach me Your ways,

And protect me from foes.

I can see now,

That as painful as it has been.

Regardless of the past,

You always win.

You have my heart Jesus,

Please keep it safe.

It’s been torn to pieces,

But now it’s in the right place. 

Lesson from my Devotion

            I opened up my Princess Warrior devotion today.  Through my tears I just wanted to know that God was hearing me because I have been feeling all He cares about these days are His agenda, and not my feelings.  So as I randomly opened the devotion, this is what I got:

                        I will not waste your pain, My beloved.  I will use every tear you have cried to put a passion in your heart to do something great for My Kingdom.  You can find comfort in your darkest hour by praising Me through the painful place you’re in.  You will not remain in this painful place for long, My love.  Soon you will see that, through it all, I carved something in your character that will draw you and others closer to Me.  You are my precious Princess, and I will shake the earth if that is what it takes to see you chains fall to the ground. 

Love,

You Lord who feels your pain.

To me, this just filled me with such peace.  Yeah, I still have some tears wanting to escape as I write this very post.  That’s okay, because tears are one of God’s ways to cleanse us I believe.  What is important is that through this I really just see one thing.  God reminding me that He is faithful.  Even when we don’t feel like it.  Even when all we can see is a mess, God is still standing there saying “I’ve got all this under control.  Satan has already lost”.  We go into battles claiming victory, not to win it. 

            Worship through singing has always been a dear thing to me.  I connect to music.  But outside of that, most of my prayers are that God would be the light within me.  That people would see my life and proclaim HIS faithfulness.  That I could draw people to him.  So when I saw the verse on the next page I knew, God had not forgotten me. 

            “He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see what he has done and be amazed.  The will put their trust in the Lord”  Psalm 40:3 NLT

           

            I hurt, and I have no problem admitting it to God.  What I want to remind you of is this.  Even though I have a close relationship with God, and I can feel Him all the time, sometimes I still lose sight of what He is doing.  Sometimes I still need Him to reach through my self-centered perspective with His divine one. 

            Sometimes there is pain in life.  We cannot avoid it while we are here on the earth.  And while God doesn’t want us to hurt, He never promised we wouldn’t.  He just promised He would be there, that He would comfort.  He will not break a bruised reed or snuff out the smoldering wick (Isaiah 42:3).  Instead He provides us with a holy rest (Matthew 11:28-30).  All we can do sometimes is lean into that.  He desires to see all our chains broken.  Jesus quotes Isaiah 61:1-3 as he starts his ministry. 

            “1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.”

            This was his mission.  Yes, it was also to die for the sins of the world, but in doing that He opened up the opportunity for us to have healing in our lives.  Reach out to Jesus, let Him comfort you.  He does desire to see all your chains broken.  

There is power in the name of Jesus.  There is power in the name of Jesus.  There is power in the name of Jesus, to break every chain.  Break every chain.  Break every chain!

These last few weeks

     Very few people have actually known what is going on in my life these last few weeks.  Because of everything going on I have been having severe panic attacks, I have been exhausted (physically, emotionally and spiritually), and can snap at the smallest things.  I have no motivation to do really anything, and then when I broke my foot and have had to be on crutches ever since I just got angrier. 
     I couldn't understand why all of this started happening.  Every time I would sit down with God I wanted answers, and I wanted Him to take it all away by teaching me other things.  Every single time He would point out different things in my heart.  Boundaries I had created with Him, anger, helplessness, vulnerability, fear, sin.  I was so angry at Him, and eventually I stopped hearing Him.
     And that is when my friend told me I needed to sit down and talk to Him.  I needed to tell Him exactly what was in my heart.  It was one of the hardest things I have done, because it required me to be completely honest and vulnerable before God.  Not that He doesn't already know everything.  It's just there is a difference between knowing He knows, and actually standing before Him and pouring your heart out.  But, in the process I got such beautiful answers.  Because once I could agree to tell Him, and I did, my eyes were able to shift up to Heaven, off of myself.  And I started finding healing.
     And I just hope that encourages someone.  Because I was at a point where I felt helpless, hopeless, fearful, angry, and disgusting.  I felt shame and guilt.  I was in a pit that I could not get out of, and I felt that no matter how hard anyone tried, they couldnt even begin to help me out either.  I was having panic attacks all the time, and I felt I was trying to do it all alone. 
     In a way, I was.  I was trying to shoulder the burden of everything, and then asking God for comfort while I did it.  I had it wrong, and so God would not give me the comfort.  He wouldn't give it to me until I gave up the burden.  And that took breaking.  Not just breaking, but crushing. 
     Out of this though, I have had what feels like a miracle.  You see, I have always been scared of relationships, specifically with men.  When God told me back in December that He was going to start preparing me to be a wife, I freaked out.  I told Him I was not even close to ready.  And the whole time I was scared.  No, I don't feel ready yet (although I have been told a few times that I am pretty much there).  What did happen though was that for the first time last night I sat and talked with a guy.  And not in a "I want him as my boyfriend" type way, but a friendship type way I knew as I talked I wanted to get to know him better, I wanted to spend time with him, and I had a little switch in my heart turn to that.  That I would get to know him.  And there isn't any fear there. 
     Some people may think that is so small.  That I shouldn't say its a miracle, but those are people who don't know how severe this fear was.  How I have avoided relationships for years (6 to be exact).  Yes, I am so thankful I didn't date through High school (and I am a huge advocate of not dating in High School) but I wasn't dating because of fear, not because of a conviction that I was too young.  Every time my mom would ask if I would say yes to a date from _________ (fill in the blank to whomever I was talking about) the answer was always "no".  Again, because of fear. 


So I guess out of all this I would just say don't give up.  Don't stop praying and believing that God will do miracles.  That in His own timing He will bring glory and beauty out from those ashes you are living in.  I've learned that healing is a slow process.  I think it is to keep us humble.  To keep us recognizing that only God can do what has been done. 
It can be painful, but its not the end until God says so, and He is always on our side.  If He is letting things break you, I suggest going to Him and figuring out what you are holding onto that is letting the breaking happen.  Circumstances don't always change, but you can have joy and peace anyway.  If you don't you are doing something you aren't supposed to be doing.