Wow...what a crazy weekend I had. Ended up going to a small community in Oregon and letting God bring the house (theater) down. Also never realized how even weekend mission trips can open up your eyes about yourself. Saturday I got to really see who I am in Christ. That girl is amazing. Seriously, I would’ve never guessed it was me. Then Saturday night I let my guard in and the enemy almost destroyed everything.
Today, I am
exhausted. This outreach was physically,
mentally, spiritually, and emotionally draining. In 2 nights I got just over 5hrs of interrupted
sleep (and we should mention only a half hour of that was Friday night). When the enemy got to me I disrespected
people and I felt terrible. I couldn’t
shake the feeling that I was never going to actually be the person God
intended. I was being convicted by God,
but I quickly took the condemnation from satan.
And in all
honesty, I was going to leave all the ministry I was in after tonight. Pull away.
Say adios. I wasn’t going to go
to Bible study anymore. I felt like I
just was so unworthy, so dirty.
Thankfully, God doesn’t give up that easy. Instead, while we were in pre-service prayer
our pastor started talking about how there was someone in our group (aka me,
and I think he knew it was me, just wasn’t going to call me out in a group like
that) was holding back from Jesus. Had
unbelief in their heart, and that he was laying prayers, words of wisdom, and
songs on their heart but they would refuse to speak. I just started crying.
Worship was
almost no different with me sobbing through it, and then the sermon was on the
exact same thing my pastor had talked about in our prayer, except I should add
it was not my pastor that spoke tonight.
It was another pastor on staff.
Yeah, very convicting.
So this is
what I’m walking away with. God gives
each of us a new identity when we come to Christ, but it’s our choice to accept
it. Just like anything else He will not
force us. But here is the thing to
remember. Where God is calling you, is not
just for you, it’s for those around you.
To bless other people. Feelings
of unworthiness, hopelessness, and uselessness are of the enemy. Don’t let obstacles get in the way. Stop making excuses. The whole “Well ______ happened so I am just
this way” is not valid for a Christ follower because you have been make a new
creation.
My prayer
right now is so simple. “Lord, help my unbelief.” Maybe we need to stop, cry out to God, and
get ourselves in the Living Word of God so that we can grow. We can gain a new perspective, one that will
lead us to the victory Christ has already attained for us.
The girl I
met this weekend (me in Christ) is a beautiful person. She’s strong, confident, bold, a leader,
playful, and wise. She jokes around in
her free time, and she’s got a beautiful smile.
She reflects Jesus. I speak about
her in 3rd person because I don’t see her as me yet. Me without Christ is the exact opposite of
everything I just described. But that is
where the beauty is. As I cry out to God
my prayer of “Lord, help my unbelief” I will slowly achieve her through the
power of Christ.
“You make beautiful things.
You make beautiful things out of dust.
You make beautiful things. You
make beautiful things out of us.”
