Question

        If you could actually erase the worst incident from your past, would you?  Would you chose to lose all the lessons that have been taught, and the intimate moments you have had with your Heavenly Father, would you do it? 
       Or, would you chose to weather the storm?  Could you forgo comfort on this earth, and instead praise God for the fact that He has taught you, and brought you close to Him?  Can you chose to accept His love for you, and trust that He will always have your best interest at heart?
 
       I have chosen to love God, but when He posed this question to me, I wanted to actually think about it, before I answered.  In the end I chose to believe that what has happened to me will work out for the good (Romans 8:28).  I would never want to lose the lessons that I have been taught, and the beautiful, intimate moments that I have had with Jesus in my moments of overwhelming pain.  


               "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."   ~John 16:33



       God always has your best interest at heart.  He doesn't want us to suffer, but it is in our best interest that He doesn't take these trials away from us.  He will comfort and love us through it all, and it will make us stronger.  We become more like Him each time we go through a storm.  It may be painful, but don't wish that it would go away, that just steals your joy from today.

       Go ahead and cry.  Break down at Jesus's feet, and tell Him how much you hurt.  Tell Him that you are angry about what happened, or that you can't see how you are going to get past this.  The feet of Jesus is the best place to be in these times, but then allow Him to help you move forward.  Allow Him to heal you, and teach you all the good that can come.  Then be willing to experience bad days.  You aren't superman, and that's okay.  Jesus loves you anyway.
       So what do you chose?

      
      
      

Emotions

       This past week has been rough (Yes I know it is a Tuesday, I mean by the last 7 or so days).  I have had to learn to forgive, and to not let pain and fear dictate me.  I also started school, which has me now doing crazy amounts of schoolwork and I have a job interview tomorrow for a part time tutor job.  Needless to say, I haven't had time to write.  However, I wrote this a few weeks ago knowing that this day was coming, and honestly it fits my situation so well, that it is probably what I would've written if it hadn't been already.  So here you go :)



Small disclaimer:  Most of this information is from godly counsel I received.  I know everyone has their own opinion, but I do have to agree with what I was told.
        
            As a teenager, my emotions seem to be all over the place.  Add some post-traumatic stress, anxiety, and insecurity, and you have a roller-coaster ride that I would honestly much rather not be on. 
            There have been a couple times though, where I have had to get godly counsel on my emotions.  When it comes to things like that I go to my young adult pastor’s wife, Anna.  Now Anna is a very godly woman, she leads the worship team, and I strive to be more like her daily.  She is a woman who would be described as loving and merciful.  However, she is also someone who will call you out when you are doing something that affects your relationship with God.  She just knows how to do it the right way.  These are some of the things she has told me.
            “Emotions are a gift from God, but they were never made to lead you.” 
She told me this when I started letting fear control some of my decision making.
            “When it comes down to it, we never have a reason to be angry at God.” 
Now in my situation, you couldn’t even look at my anger as justifiable in the slightest, but she has a point.  He may have allowed a situation to come into your life, but he is not trying to hurt you.
            “We need to filter our emotions through truth.  Ask, why do I feel this way, and what does God say about this.” 
This one is pretty self-explanatory, but all negative emotions can be brought through a filter.  Pain is something we will feel in life, but anger, bitterness, hatred, jealousy, depression, and anxiety are things we can fight with scripture. 
            “Get the focus off of you, and onto serving others.” 
I know none of us want to be accused of being selfish, but sometimes the way we are feeling is because we are spending so much time on us, that we forget to look at the big picture.  When we take on a heart of service, our eyes turn to the Lord.  When we focus on us we start getting negative emotions that are not from God.  He wants us to live in joy and peace, but we cannot do that if we are only focused on ourselves.
           

I try and take this advice from Anna, and apply it to my everyday life.  However, I am not even close to mastering this.  I get anxious easily, and I look at my situation, and although I believe without a doubt God will use this for good, I sometimes get overwhelmed by the pain of it all.  However, God does not expect perfection from me, or anyone else.  When we experience the lows of life, and experience these other emotions, we are able to feel joy and peace of God even more.  Our goal is to not sin in these emotions.  Not avoid them at all costs. 

            I am reminded of the fruits of the Spirit when emotions are brought up. The fruits are all emotions from God, along with how we should act.  When we take on the fruits we become more godly, and, when we are living in the Spirit, the flesh does not have room to birth evil, and negative emotion.
            Galatians 5:22-23
22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness, self-control.  Against such there is no law.

"Let me serve you"

       "For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you."  John 13:15

     To me this verse has always been taught one way.  "Serve others."  That is very true, but a couple weeks ago up on a retreat I caught something with the help of our discussion leader. 
     Because we were going over Jesus washing the disciples feet, it was mentioned to have us wash each others feet.  Immediately I thought to myself "I'm leaving.  I would wash everyone's feet, but I don't want mine done!"  At the same time A.J mentioned that if we couldn't stand the idea of having our feet washed that we may be prideful, and not allowing Jesus to serve us. 
     Wait.  What?  Jesus serving us?  That was when it occurred to me. "...as I have done to you."  I realized in that moment, that I am so quick to serve, but I never allow Jesus to just serve me. 
     "What does you serving me look like Jesus."  I didn't get some quick answer, but a scripture came to mind.
   
     "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28
   
      That was my answer.  In me trusting in God (the weekend we focused on faith), and allowing Him to give me rest, I was allowing God to serve me.  I had to learn to stop doing everything myself, and instead sit there and allow God to do it for me.
      Don't get me wrong.  Some things we are called to action.  We cannot become foolish and lazy, however there are some things that only God was made to do.  In my case I have a broken heart.  I cannot heal it on my own, no matter how hard I try.  I can, however,  rest in Jesus's arms and allow Him to take these broken pieces and start putting them back together.  It is not easy for me to be still, but sometimes in my quiet times with God, He allows me to sleep instead of study.  He knows what I need and he is faithful to provide it.
     I have been called to act in my healing too, although that is for another post, and while it sometimes takes me a while, I know I must be faithful in that too.  You just have to learn when the right time to work is, and when you are called to pause and let Jesus do the serving.  
     

"Because I said so"

“God please heal this broken heart.”

That’s all I wanted.  It had been a couple months since I first admitted to a friend what had happened to me, and I went back and forth from wanting to deny it, avoid it, or lay in bed all day because I just couldn’t take the pain anymore.  I was angry, and confused.  I wanted someone to blame, and was frustrated every time someone complained about something little like the weather.

I knew the weekend retreat with my college group would be the perfect place for God to work on me.  There was plenty of free time, and I would have people to back me up if I got too upset.  We would be secluded out in a beautiful area, with miles and miles of land belonging to the church so we could move around. 

Friday night was when it all started.  God slowly started to clean up the mess that had been left behind.  I started praying,

“God, why did you let this happen to me?  What did I do?”

“You are not to blame child,” was God’s only response at first.

“Please God, I have to know why this happened.”  I was crying, and all I could feel was the knife in my heart.  I wanted it to go away, but I still couldn’t even confess what had happened without putting up an emotional block. 

Later, as I was praying with a friend my answer came through her prayers. 

“God help us to accept that sometimes your answer is ‘because I said so.  Trust me.’  Help us to trust that you give us that as our answer because the more would be too painful for us.  You desire only good for us, and want to give us the desires of our hearts.  God change our hearts if you cannot give us our desires.” 

Val’s words struck a chord.  Was it really possible that God’s only answer for me right now was “Because I said so.”  When I think about it, there were multiple times that my mom or dad’s answer would be just that.  They didn’t owe us an explanation, but they were usually right.  God is our daddy, and redeemer.  He is also creator of all the universe, and plans each thing out for good (Jeremiah 29:11) 

I really do hate hearing “Because I said so.”  In fact I sat here and wrestled with it all day long.  I know that I don’t really want to know why.  I know that they why won’t bring me any more healing, or make this situation any easier to bear.  The reason it bugs me so much is that I feel out of control, but I don’t have the control to begin with. 

We have been called to walk in faith.  It isn’t easy, but we can accept a “because I said so” because God will always work things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28), He will never leave you nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6), even through the rivers and fire (Isaiah 43:2). 

God loves us, and while it may seem like a harsh answer, God knows what we can and cannot take.  He know what is best for us, and that usually means not telling us the future, and not always giving us an explanation.  I realized as hard as it is to accept, I don’t really want to know why I went through that.  I only want to lean on the fact that God can and will heal my heart. 

Sovereign

            Sovereign:  One that exercises supreme, permanent authority, especially in a nation or other governmental unit.  (thefreedictionary.com)
            Sovereign is a word that I have heard to describe God.  For the longest time though, that was all it was, a word that could describe my God.  Then one day I realized that I didn’t know what the word meant.  I looked it up, and was a little surprised at what I got.  Not because God isn’t these things, but because it describes God so perfectly. 
            Out of the entire definition the part that got me the most was the word permanent.  Other words for permanent include forever, unchanging, stable.  When I realized what it meant as I sang and talked about God being sovereign it actually became one of my favorite words to use.  Here is why.
            When I call my God Sovereign I am proclaiming that he has the most, and forever power over my life.  That is extremely comforting to me.  I know that because God is God I don’t have anyone to answer to except him.  (However, God does command us to obey authority in Hebrews 13:17.)  So, no matter how crazy laws get here, or however many authorities I have over me here on earth, ultimately it is just God who has control over me. 
            Government is not sovereign when it comes to an eternal standpoint.  No matter what happens our king is in Heaven, and he is coming back for us.