Very few people have actually known what is going on in my life these last few weeks. Because of everything going on I have been having severe panic attacks, I have been exhausted (physically, emotionally and spiritually), and can snap at the smallest things. I have no motivation to do really anything, and then when I broke my foot and have had to be on crutches ever since I just got angrier.
I couldn't understand why all of this started happening. Every time I would sit down with God I wanted answers, and I wanted Him to take it all away by teaching me other things. Every single time He would point out different things in my heart. Boundaries I had created with Him, anger, helplessness, vulnerability, fear, sin. I was so angry at Him, and eventually I stopped hearing Him.
And that is when my friend told me I needed to sit down and talk to Him. I needed to tell Him exactly what was in my heart. It was one of the hardest things I have done, because it required me to be completely honest and vulnerable before God. Not that He doesn't already know everything. It's just there is a difference between knowing He knows, and actually standing before Him and pouring your heart out. But, in the process I got such beautiful answers. Because once I could agree to tell Him, and I did, my eyes were able to shift up to Heaven, off of myself. And I started finding healing.
And I just hope that encourages someone. Because I was at a point where I felt helpless, hopeless, fearful, angry, and disgusting. I felt shame and guilt. I was in a pit that I could not get out of, and I felt that no matter how hard anyone tried, they couldnt even begin to help me out either. I was having panic attacks all the time, and I felt I was trying to do it all alone.
In a way, I was. I was trying to shoulder the burden of everything, and then asking God for comfort while I did it. I had it wrong, and so God would not give me the comfort. He wouldn't give it to me until I gave up the burden. And that took breaking. Not just breaking, but crushing.
Out of this though, I have had what feels like a miracle. You see, I have always been scared of relationships, specifically with men. When God told me back in December that He was going to start preparing me to be a wife, I freaked out. I told Him I was not even close to ready. And the whole time I was scared. No, I don't feel ready yet (although I have been told a few times that I am pretty much there). What did happen though was that for the first time last night I sat and talked with a guy. And not in a "I want him as my boyfriend" type way, but a friendship type way I knew as I talked I wanted to get to know him better, I wanted to spend time with him, and I had a little switch in my heart turn to that. That I would get to know him. And there isn't any fear there.
Some people may think that is so small. That I shouldn't say its a miracle, but those are people who don't know how severe this fear was. How I have avoided relationships for years (6 to be exact). Yes, I am so thankful I didn't date through High school (and I am a huge advocate of not dating in High School) but I wasn't dating because of fear, not because of a conviction that I was too young. Every time my mom would ask if I would say yes to a date from _________ (fill in the blank to whomever I was talking about) the answer was always "no". Again, because of fear.
So I guess out of all this I would just say don't give up. Don't stop praying and believing that God will do miracles. That in His own timing He will bring glory and beauty out from those ashes you are living in. I've learned that healing is a slow process. I think it is to keep us humble. To keep us recognizing that only God can do what has been done.
It can be painful, but its not the end until God says so, and He is always on our side. If He is letting things break you, I suggest going to Him and figuring out what you are holding onto that is letting the breaking happen. Circumstances don't always change, but you can have joy and peace anyway. If you don't you are doing something you aren't supposed to be doing.
